Crime and Punishment
by Useless Writer
Summary: "I want to be selfish but I can't. I don't be long to her and neither does she to me.I like you Amelia" . "I'm sorry for making you listen to me when I don't do the same for you, I regret everything now. It's too late , your body was never found. I'm sorry for treating you like this, I want to see you again Arthur"Multiple POVs. UKXFem!US. Human AU.
1. From A to A

I'm sorry. That I'm not up to your standards. That I'm not into video games like other boys. That I'm a bookworm and not an alcoholic. I'm sorry for being a nerd and not a popular boy in school. That I don't have to regularly go to the hospital for medical check-ups for a drug test. That I don't mix with delinquents. That I don't waste my time reading magazines that I'm not supposed to and watch the History I'm actually strong enough to protect you and not lose you. That you don't belong to me and your heart is won over by someone else. It's okay. It's fine. It's alright. Maybe I'll continue, what I've always done before. Falling over and over again.

**oOoOoOo**

Why. Why am I so attracted to you? Ever since we've met over 10 years ago at the park, you were crying because you ran away from home. I was just a scrawny boy that was a coward and brought you back to your hurt to see you cry. Your smile had always enchanted me. It makes me happy. Even if you don't smile for me .

Elementary.I was a nerd. The top of the school. Constantly being made fun of and often pushed around, I enjoyed your company even if you don't know what's happening to me or what your friends did to me. It's alright. I shouldn't judge. This was how I was brought up, be grateful for everything and not expecting anything. It's okay, I just want to see your smile even if I'm not the one you longed for.

Middle aches me so much, but behind your smile I know that you shouldn't know. The scars on my wrists, you shouldn't know about them, besides you have friends to care about right? I shouldn't be bothered , it's okay , I'm not important to you. I'll just hang out with my group. But will you look at me once? I want to be selfish, but I can't. You're not mine and I'm not yours. I can't be selfish , you belong to someone else better than me. Remember that anonymous box of chocolates you found under your desk? I didn't make them so I bought them for you, but it's okay if you think it was Allen's. It' alright if you don't even think about me.

High school. I don't know why, why can't I get over you and move on. Gilbert, Elizaveta, Chiara, Antonio, Francis, Joan… they all did. But I didn't. I was the only one in my group that didn't had someone, I wished that someone was you though, but you're probably busy to even answer me. You've always come to me, but now, why are you always crying and complaining, about Allen? Why won't you listen to my problems like I did with yours? I want to be selfish, I am selfish but I can't be selfish. I wonder, if I'm gone would you cry over me? Would you say my name , just to bring me back? I'm nothing except a selfish coward that wants your attention, so it's okay if I'm nothing more than a consultant for your problems.

For all these years, I've written letters addressed to you but I had them sent on dates that are far from today. But will my letters reach you though? Would you know it's me even though I've written my name on the letters? Would you come see me if I went back to England for the rest of my life?

**oOoOoOo**

My phone rang. It was the morning of yet another day to go through. What exactly is the reason,that I have stayed in the States for over a decade? If I were to go, you would be the only one that could hold me back from returning to Europe. Gilbert, Elizaveta, Joan, Francis, Chiara and Antonio… they would have to return to Europe someday as well. Our family is well-off, that's the reason why I was able to stay in the States for a long term even without my parents. They would send money to me and I was living off Francis' family. They were kind and nice people that I could hardly believe that Francis was raised in a well-mannered environment with no such pervertedness allowed at all.

However, I decided to rent an apartment when I got into high school. Francis and his family were reluctant to let me find my own place and tried to pester me to stay at their house. But I found one anyway, not far from his house so it wouldn't worry them much. Yet, you always come over to my house and asked where are my game consoles. I'm sorry that I don't want to spend my money on games, that I want to be able to support myself and not rely on anybody else.

Why is it, that girls always go for the bad ones? I'm nothing but a selfish person like everyone.

I grabbed my phone and flipped it open. I've had that phone ever since I've moved to the States as an immigrant when I was 8 years old. I didn't bother to buy a new one. I only needed one to make a call, send texts and all that. A phone is a phone, not a camera, a videocamera, a recorder and all that rubbish. The caller ID was "Scott" . My eldest brother among the 6 of us. Scott, Collins, Dylan, James, Me and Peter. Peter is 2 years younger than me. Scott's 21, Collins being 20, Dylan 19, James 18, I'm 17 and Peter's 15. I was the only one in States because of a condition I've had and I could only receive treatment in the parents would often visit me from England, my brothers would come with them if it's a holiday. Scott was in Scotland, Collins in Wales, Dylan in Northern Ireland, James is in the Republic of Ireland, I was English and so is Peter.

"Hello? Scott?" I yawned, glancing over my wrists that were covered in red lines that had blended with my pale skin. "Arthur? I have bad news. Just pack your bags and I've already booked your tickets" Scott replied,with sobs in his voice. "Scott? What's wrong?" I asked, trying to keep my calm. "It's Dad… he passed away so suddenly" I could hear my mother's cries, my brothers' comforts and their weeps in the background. I tried to keep calm. "How? He was fine when he… visited me a week ago" I cupped my mouth , deciding not to go to school. I'll just give a call to the teachers and say I've got to go back to England. They don't want me anyways. But Dad. He was the only one in my family that knows what I'm going through. My mother, brothers, they cared about me, they loved me as well, but I didn't want to burden them, so they don't know about my habit.

"Lung cancer. He hid it from us all these years. That fool…. Arthur, you're going back to UK. You're transferring here. We could probably hire doctors from the States to help you with your treatment" Scott answered. I zipped my bags. I didn't have that much anyways. Then, I thought of Amelia. Would she beg me to stay in the States? "Can I stay in the States after I come to the funeral? I mean, if there's a reason" I asked. Scott was silent for a few seconds but then he replied " Yeah, and your flight is tonight at 7 pm, don't miss it"

I dropped the call and put on my uniform. I didn't bring my school bag with me. I ran to the door of my apartment, but was stopped by Francis. "Want a ride?" he spun the key ring with his index finger. The faster the better, I thought. Amelia. Amelia F Jones. Would she give me the reason to stay in the States? I hope so.

"Yeah, we need to reach there faster than them" I yawned. Francis scowled at the thought of "them". I looked at his neck, the scars were still there. And they were brand-new. "Francis? Again? Did you take the pills?" I asked worriedly. Francis put on a sad smile " Mon ami, you shouldn't worry about me,come on we have to go to school"

We got into the car, it was a small car but enough to fit for 5. It was always like this everyday. Francis would drive the 5 of us, himself, myself, Gilbert, Antonio and Joan to school, carpooling. Throughout the drive, thoughts float about in my mind. Would she give me a reason strong enough to make me stay in the States? Would she be bothered by my leaving? Would she care if I left to the UK and probably never come back? Would she look for me if I wasn't coming back to USA ? Amelia, please give me a reason to stay here. I'm selfish I now that, but you are a reason strong enough, I just need an answer from you.

**oOoOoOo**

I saw her. She was standing at the corridor alone. Her assumed boyfriend was not in sight. Though they were going out, she always complained to me they never kissed or do anything intimate, just holding hands and hugging. Why am I your consultant? Why do you always complain to me? She complained to me just a few minutes ago by phone that Allen haven't kissed her yet. Is that the only thing she could think of? But it's alright. As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter to me if I'm going to take all your pain.

"Arthur!" Amelia called over. "I thought I was alone! Thank god that you're here as well" she sighed of relief. I was relieved as well that I could be comfortable with my question. The rest of my group were at the canteen, having their breakfast before torture begins. I grabbed her hand, she was surprised. "Arthur? We have to go, Allen's waiting for me" again. Allen. You've only met in for 3 years. I've known you for what seemed like the rest of my life. But it's fine. I leaned closer to he ran and I could hear her breathing. "Amelia, I like you. No, I've loved you for all these years…but it doesn't matter to you probably. Your eyes, your smile, everything about you, I've loved them with all my heart. But it's okay, I know that you don't belong to me and I don't belong to you, would you give me a reason to be in the States?" there. I've confessed my love to her that I've kept a secret for 13 years. I'm not supposed to do this but, I leaned closer to her and pressed my lips against hers. I pulled myself away, looked at her red face. "Arthur, what are you doing?! That was my first! I hate you, I hate you! Get out of my sight!" I've already known my answer all this while. I was already convinced that this was to be your answer. But how did you forget about the kiss we shared 11 years ago at our parents' party? We were young, yes, I could still remember your soft lips pressed against mine. That was our first. All this while, you've forgotten? But now, I've lost my reason to stay here.

You don't have to bother about me anymore. I'll get out of your sight, just forget about me, but I'll never forget my 13 years worth of love for you. I ran away, like the coward I was and hid in the room I've found with my group. Inside, they stared at me with sad eyes. "Did you confess your liebe? I'm sorry Arthur" Gilbert said. "Mon ami, there's somewhere you have to go isn't there?" Francis asked. "Cheer up, amigo! Chiara made some pizza and I made churros!" Antonio smiled, trying to hide the pity in his eyes. "Eyebrow bastard,no, Arthur, you're returning to UK and no plans of coming back here si?" Chiara asked but with a harsh and comforting tone. "There has to be a reason to stay right?" Joan exclaimed.

I sat down and explained to them " My Dad…he passed away so suddenly. All this years he kept his illness from us. He suffered from lung cancer. I have to go back to the UK tonight for the funeral and Scott's planning to transfer me there. All my medical issues will still be diagnosed in the UK since we've hired a few doctors to treat me. I'm not bothered whether I have to leave you guys because we're all from Europe and neighbouring countries. But I needed a reason a strong reason. Amelia… she made me lost my reason. I've already decided, I'm going to the UK and probably won't come back to US"

We were all silent. "We're sorry to hear that, we know how much your vater means to you. He's proud of you, Arthur" Gilbert spoke for them. Ii scowled. " I don't think he's prod to see his son cutting himself and not enjoying life" I muttered. "When are you leaving, jackass?" Chiara stood up. "Tonight , 7pm" "We'll send you" "Thanks"

I told the teachers about the transfer afterwards and went to my apartment soon after. Amelia. You were a reason strong enough to hold me back. Why didn't you? Am I not selfish enough for you? I'm sorry for not being anything you wanted. Because I was raised to be like this. I was raised to be a gentleman rather than a criminal. But now I've made you hate me. I was wrong. I still loved you. For how long I don't know.

**oOoOo**

I dragged my luggage across the tiled floor and my trench coat wasn't enough to keep me warm from the cold air of the airport. Francis' father offered us a ride and said his goodbyes. He treated me like his own son and Francis was like a brother to me. Gilbert offered to carry my luggage. It was raining, not as heavy as England though. It was dark already. We left the car a few minutes ago and I had to check in.

After I checked in at the counter, I was given tight hugs by the girls . Pats on the shoulder and advices from the males, they saw in my eyes that I was looking for someone. Amelia. Would she come and stop me? It's still early enough for that. So why aren't you here? Didn't the teachers thought you were close enough to me to tell you? Amelia F Jones. I remember the first day we met.

_It was raining. You were crying because your mother was scolding you for being so boyish. I was passing by the park alone. I saw you. You were soaked. I believed in love at first sight. I walked over to you and titled my umbrella a bit to shield you from the rain. You looked at me with wet eyes. Now words were exchanged, we knew what we were supposed to do. I walked you until you said stop. Your family looked at you with longing eyes. When they saw me, they nodded and muttered thank you. The next day, we met again at the park. It turned out that our parents were friends as well._

It was already near 7. You really weren't going to hold me back. I waved my goodbyes to my friends. Their faces red. I hugged each and one of them, including Gilbert, Francis and Antonio. I had no reason now. I turned my back and faced them, shouting the words that I've thought of "I'll call you guys when I reach England!" I smiled happily and walked off. The rain was too heavy by then, I couldn't hear their words that they wanted to reach my ears, wanted to reach my heart, but I know, we'll miss each other. Will you miss me however? I hope so. But I know, you probably won't . You'll be with Allen again…

**oOoOoOo**

The plane was quiet. I wanted to sleep. It wasn't raining at the time. I was about to close my eyes, when I heard a riot. I opened my eyes, to find a situation that I've always wanted to avoid. Men. Men in heavy armour, with loaded guns. A hijack. "Take out whatever you have and hand them over if you want to live!" they yelled. I hid behind the chair. I opened one of the pockets sewed into my coat. Inside was a locket, I opened it to see a picture of my family in one, with my father in it. I wanted to cry, my family would probably have to spend for my funeral as well. The other side had a photo of my group, we were smiling of happiness and Elizaveta photoshopped it so that our scars weren't seen. Genuine happiness. Then I looked at one of my pockets. I peeked inside to see a photo of the girl I've liked for 13 years. The girl I kissed 11 years ago and hours ago. The girl that had hated me for doing that. The girl who could have been my reason to stay in the States.

Amelia F Jones.

I've always wanted to know what the F in your name stands for. Your brother Matthew didn't had any so what exactly does it mean? But I guess it's too late for everything. Then I've remembered the moments we shared together. If I was to die at any moment right now, I would like you to be the last one I think of. I would be seeing my father again. I imagined my family and friends at my funeral.

13 years ago. The path we walked. It was still there . Now, children are playing on it, running . The park? It was demolished for a shopping complex. Our elementary school, where I found out my feelings for you but kept it a secret for so long.I was the British nerd everybody hated. You were the American girl that everybody loved.

Middle school. I was hated more than ever. I started to cut myself. I found out there were others like me and we became friends but we weren't as close as the two of us. You were still my friend, but I wished I was someone beyond that. You began to think everything that happened and given to you anonymously was Allen's doing but when in fact, it was mine. I was too much of a coward to stand up for my crush.

High school, I found out. That you and Allen were dating. Your "friends" were our bullies and so was Allen but you didn't want to listen to me. How much did you trust Allen? I was jealous when Gilbert and Elizaveta hooked up with each other, Joan and Francis were going out, Antonio and Chiara were childhood friends from the sart so we've already known that was bound to happen. They tried to cheer me up but it got worse. Allen found out Amelia was my weakspot and started to go out with her more.

I kissed the photo. That was when, a revolver was placed at my temple and the trigger was pulled, and the plane crashed. All I could remember , was your smile, your eyes, your voice, and the shrieks of others as the plane crashed.

And my own blood.

I wished, that even if I can't see you anymore, even if you can't hear me anymore or even hold my hand, I want to meet you again. Even if you don't remember me and moved on.

My letters, they will reach your hands in a week left. Would you still remember me though?

**((A/N: HAH! TAKE THAT TWILIGHT! Well, nevermind. I was bored and this came about and yeah… and this isn't a one-shot ! I'm planning to make it a series! YEAHHHHHH and Arthur… well… I know they are some of you readers who just read this and say "BUT ARTHUR WE LOVE YOU WHY AREN'T YOU REAL" or 'NOOOO ARTHUR WHYY TID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN" because that's what I always do whenever I read an angsty onesided UKXFem!US… I don't Own Hetalia or else my OTPs would have been canon already. Oh yeah! Allen is Australia!By the way, my tumbrl is kyde-wonderland SELF-PROMOTION~~~ ))**


	2. Starduster

We were friends. I thought. You were the British transfer kid and I was the American blonde girl. I've forgotten how we met but all I could remember on the day we met was a walk back to my house after I ran away. You were 8 when you came to the States as an immigrant, your condition, Francis told me you had one but he didn't tell me specifically. I've had mixed feelings.

What were we exactly? Amelia F Jones, my name. The younger sister to Matthew Williams whose parents had divorced.

In elementary , we were classmates, you were alone and anti-social, I wanted to become friends with you as I offered the seat next to me. You were quiet, reading a Sherlock Holmes novel. It was weird really. You were scrawny , shorter than most boys in school. Your eyebrows were thick , messy strawberry blonde hair. Your eyes however were emerald green .

You weren't like normal boys. You were weird in my opinion. Others preferred video games, you however, preferred to read, complete your homework and followed school rules. You got quieter than usual when we entered middle school. You got taller but lean. You wore glasses that when I wore them, gave me a different "result" than I expected. I wore your glasses, though it seemed transparent when I saw you wearing them, but when I wore them, it was monochrome . Multiple shades of green.

You started to have social anxiety for no reason . I've always felt nervous. I didn't know how I felt about you. You were a whole lot different than me. You weren't as muscular as the other boys and you excelled in your academics. That was unusual. You were always running away when my friends were near us. You would leave our usual spot at the balcony you found whenever one of the members of the track team finds us. One of them was a guy I took a liking on, Allen.

On Valentine's Day in middle school, I wondered why you didn't give anybody chocolates. That was odd, because usually boys would give chocolates. I found a box of chocolates under my desk and it was anonymous. It was obviously Allen and I was disappointed that you didn't give me any, I wasn't waiting or wanting any though, but I did want you to give me chocolates. But you were gloomy as I showed the chocolates to you and thanking Allen for it. Allen was clueless at first, he must've forgot but then he remembered. You were gloomy and then suddenly you didn't want to go home with me.

High school, you started to get nervous a lot and claustrophobic. You would sweat a lot at random times and start to shout "go away from me " or " you aren't real! Why are you still here?!" as well. Arthur, what exactly are you suffering from? I hung out a lot with Allen, I started to lessen our time together as well. I kind of felt guilty throughout that period.

Arthur, what were you trying to say? What did you mean by give you a reason to stay in the States? Are you going back to England and never come back? You were sad again. You were gloomy again. You leant closer to me and gave me a soft press against my lips. It felt nostalgic, but you took away my first kiss. It didn't seem like it though. The words that I let go , I didn't mean them. I want to take them back but you're nowhere to be seen. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

That same day, I was supposed to be at the airport with my dad to pick Matthew up. He was home from college to celebrate his birthday. That same day, I saw you. You had bags with you and your friends were there as well. I asked my dad and he let me wandered off on my own. I saw you again. You were crying. Where are you going? Your albino friend, Gilbert helped you with your bags, your close friend Francis was giving you advices. Your Spanish friend, Antonio gave you pats on shoulders, muttering words into your ear. Your friends' girlfriends hugged you like they never want to let you go. I felt guilty. I felt selfish. I felt jealous. Why won't Allen hug me like that? No, why won't you hold me like that?

You turned around to my direction, I hid behind a pillar. I felt guilty for saying those words to you. You were sad again. I didn't know why. Where are you going? I want to run to you and tug your sleeve. But I stopped. Was this what you meant by giving you a reason to stay in the States? Are you never going to come back?

You dragged your bag across the floor and didn't turn back. Your friends were crying. I hid myself. Hey, can I run to you and say I'm sorry and ask you to stay in the States? I stood up and shifted my leg . I ran. But why didn't my feet bring me to you? I ran and ran, crying. My dad was puzzled. Matthew was there. I ran into his arms , he stroked my hair. My heart aches seeing you leave . Seeing your back that was faced towards me. Even I was puzzled, why does it hurt so much.

That night, I wanted to cry more. I wanted to grab my pillow and punch the walls infinitely. The news reported a plane crash. The exact plane that you were supposed to board. I wanted to shut myself inside. I broke off my relationship with Allen immediately. Heck, we didn't even do anything beyond holding hands. I wanted to see you again, but with a happy smile like you had when you found my house after walking me back home 13 years ago. But it was all too late. I've known the answer to the heart aches. I've should known why I was always nervous whenever I'm with you. I'm sorry for treating you like a piece of furniture all this while. I talked to you about my own problems, without realizing your own pain and not bothering about it. Why didn't you complain?

I liked Allen. But I loved you more.

But it's too late. If I could turn back in time, would I make it? Would I be able to change the future?

Your body was never found. Most of the passengers' body weren't found as well. I start to regret everything I've done to you. I want to touch your face and cry on your shoulder like I used to, while you hear and listen to me and not whining about me being a selfish girl.

Your funeral was in England. At the time, my dad brought me and Matthew to England for a vacation. He didn't know that the funeral was supposed to be in England, so we took a day of our vacation and went to the funeral. There was a coffin, but no corpse inside. It was empty, like your eyes. We all wore black on that day as it rained heavily. I knew that in England, it would rain heavily and most of the time, but I didn't know that it would be gloomy and thunderstorms with no signs of ending.

I saw your family. Your mother was crying as your eldest brother was comforting her, holding back his own tears. Your younger brother was holding tightly onto a plush toy of Harry Potter with a red face and teary eyes. Your older twin brothers were frowning and looked as if they were going to have a breakdown any moment now. Your second eldest brother stood by your empty coffin, holding jasmines in his hands. They were muttering sadly, I could hear the cracks and sobs in their voices . It was obvious that they had a hard time.

Your older twin brothers gave a speech, "He was our baby brother, older than Peter. But he was still our baby brother and we treated him like one, he would throw a tantrum about being a big boy and all whenever he came to visit us during the holidays. Usually in summer. Our baby brother, Arthur Kirkland, we didn't know that he was going through a hard time in the States. We never knew that he was bullied and was on the verge of breaking down. But he had his friends, who were suffering the same way. He was cheerful whenever he came to visit us. Always playing with Peter. We remember, that one summer last year, we had a water gun fight. He sided with Scott and Peter, the two of us sided with Collins. But we always had ties.

"He'd laughed. Mother and Father would smiled and grinned. We'd all be happy. But yesterday, our father passed away, we mourned for him. But Arthur didn't had the time, he wanted to. But he joined him as well. We lost our precious father and our baby brother. If anything, we would even sacrifice our own happiness to see them again. His body was never found. Arthur Kirkland, a son, a brother and our friend"

I had to go to the nearest restroom. If only I'd known earlier . My friends, hey were the ones who caused you to be like that weren't they? It was my fault all in all. I can't face them anymore. But I had to.

I met your eldest brother, Scott. He gave me a box full of books. Francis seemed to know what were inside. I didn't know anything. Why did he gave me your books? I opened them to find journals. Well-kept journals. Written on every cover was "Arthur Kirkland" . I opened one of your journals and read through the dates. Most were in the past, some were recently.

And most entries would start with :

_Amelia. Today again I didn't tell her how much she meant the world to me. I wouldn't care if she loved another man , as long as she smiles I'm happy. Even if I'm the one getting heartbroken. Even if I'm just her place to whine and complain, I'm fine with that. I want to be selfish today. But I can't be selfish. I'm pathetic. But I was raised to be like this. It's her choice not mine._

I kept the books in my bedroom, under my bed. I would open one of them and read an entry. You had so much journals. Every time I read them, was when I couldn't sleep. They were like my bedtime stories. Some were sweet and cute and some were depressing and comforting. Sometimes, if I don't want to read your journals, I would try to memorise every inch of what I remembered of you. Your smile, your thick eyebrows, your glasses, your face and your emerald green eyes.

Your voice. Your words. The colour of your hair and what you disliked or liked. What your hobby was and where was your favourite place to go.

A week after your funeral, I received a letter. A letter from you. I opened it. My very first letter from you, that I thought you were still alive, but in which, you gave them a specific date to send it to me. I wanted to cry , reading the letter.

_Amelia, I know that you must've hated me all this while._

_I want to be selfish. But it's too late. By this time, I'll probably be in England. My father died today. I've written multiple letters to you and they will reach you on different dates._

_I liked you. I loved you. I'm a coward for not being able to say this face to face . But I didn't want to you get mad. _

_For 13 years, I've kept this secret from you. _

_And I'll never come back to the States unless it's for work. But even if I do come back, I won't be able to do anything except work. I want to see you again, I want to listen to you voice again._

_On the day we met, you were crying a lot. It was raining heavily, I was curious why you were there. _

_You may not remember but when we were 6 years old, we kissed. At a party. _

_Amelia, when you're reading this, I hope you'll have a better relationship with Allen, get married and have kids. But that sounded weird didn't it? I'm sorry if this is awkward..._

Arthur, you idiot. I'm at fault here. You didn't even get to England alive. For 13 years , you kept such a secret that I was oblivious to. Amelia, you fool, why didn't you remember that night when you were 6?! I held the letter dearly. I wanted to know more, what did you write in the other letters?

Every week, on different days and time, a letter would be in my hands, held dearly and carefully. They were my memories of you. And each time I read them, I would cry myself to sleep with regret and yearning to turn in time. If you were still breathing, would we be looking at the same sky? In your letter, you wrote that you won't be coming back to the States for the sole reason of fearing not to be loved by the person you love. Arthur, I'm sorry. I should've realized my feelings for you. And you were the only one I truly loved for.

I went to school, and found out that Allen was actually using me. I should've listened to you. I should've asked for your opinions. I should've known that you were the one that actually cared for me even if I treated you like a consultant. I broke off my ties with my "friends" . I met your friends. Francis, Antonio and Gilbert, they were cool about it. Chiara was hesitating but Elizaveta was quiet.

Another week another letter. The letter I held in my hands this week, was of the past.

_Amelia, do you remember the box o chocolates you found under your desk in Middle school?_

_Actually, it wasn't Allen... I spent a whole night to make them for you. My cooking was terrible, so I practiced a whole week before making them and it came out better than expected. When I asked you about how it tasted, I was glad you said it was delicious, despite thinking it was from Allen. But I didn't care._

_It didn't matter to me. I was the coward who didn't dare to write my name on the box. As long as you're happy, I don't care whatever happens to me._

The chocolates. Usually Arthur's cooking tasted like charcoal, but I didn't expect the chocolates was from him, let alone he was the one making them. It was unexpected. They were sweet. Tasted better than any chocolate I've ever tasted. But now every time I eat a chocolate, it tastes bitter because when I do eat them, I would remember your face when I thought it was Allen's. I'm sorry for thinking of that. But it's too late.

For weeks and weeks your letters arrived. How many did you write? All were short but were long enough to me. Months passed and seasons come and go. All I could think of was how you dealt with everything . And how I was being a bitch to you. If only I'd known, I would've been different but I was oblivious to everything.

Your body was never found

There were nothing left of you from the crash.

Only our memories of the time we shared together. But with nothing more than regret.

I'm sorry Arthur.

For being oblivious. For not knowing. For not wanting to know. For treating you like that. For not asking about yourself. For making you listen to me whining. For seeing me going out with Allen. For making you encourage me and Allen. For even dating Allen. For making you a place of my complains. For making you endure all this.

**((A/N: Oh hey you guys need some tissues or band aids for your broken hearts? Don't worry, it's not completed yet. Oh yeah, the entire fanfiction is based on a Vocaloid song, Crime and Punishment! And each chapter is based on a Vocaloid song as well. The previous one was actually based on From Y to Y, but since Arthur and Amelia's name begins with A, I changed it from A to A. This one is based on Starduster. I'll be putting this on hiatus for awhile , maybe 2 weeks? I've got to finish Confidential Council and Replay soon so I can work on this one faster. **

**SELF PROMOTES AGAIN~ My Tumblr is kyde-wonderland ~ I'll probably give updates on the hiatus thingy and when it's updated using that... ))**


	3. Clingy Boy for 15 Years

Today as well, I wrote my letter to you, even though I don't remember who you are , I only have a vague hint of who you were. But I don't know who you are. For two years I've written letters that I never send. It's been two years since the incident and I've lost my memories. All I could remember was your blonde hair, your voice and your smile . Your warmth and your tears.

I stopped writing and reread the letter. When I write , bits of my memory returns, and I write simultaneously, without thinking about the memory. But when I'm done writing, the memory slips away, lost again, and everything that I wrote in the letter I want to send to you, just seems like a fantastical dream or nightmare.

I stopped writing and reread the letter. I smiled a bit , trying to recall the memories I have currently.

_It's been 2 years. I'm writing letters to you again. I don't remember who you are, but I could remember a bit of you. Your laugh, your smile, your tears, your voice and your warmth. I really want to get all my memories back but sometimes I wonder is it worth it? I remember of you, I want to know more of you, what were we? I want to know you again. Who are you and who am I? I want to remember._

_How did I see the world before I became like this? Was I happy or sad? I wish I knew who you were and I could send you and wait for your letter for my questions._

I folded the letter into a box where I dumped all the other letters. I glanced over the box , how many letters have I written left unsent and unanswered? This memories seemed like a dream to me now. I dropped the box as I heard a knock on my door. "Arthur, can we come in?" Arthur, that's my name. I could only remember my name and the words I need. I don't remember my surname though, if I could, I would be with my family by now. "Come in" I said.

Natalia and Sophia entered my room with my breakfast. They too were survivors of the incident along with their brother, Ivan. They didn't suffer from amnesia like me though, they only suffered severe injuries. But they didn't have to worry to return home, they were orphans. They moved from places to places. I thanked them, nodding before they leave. It wasn't that they were welcomed, this was my rehabilitation. Shortly after I was released from the hospital after the crash, I was asked to met a psychiatrist who suggested ways for my rehabilitation. To this day, the thing that worked for me so far was writing letters to a girl I don't remember and spending time as a solitary. I hated this life. I'm disgusted by it. But it's nostalgic for a reason. Being ignored that is. Not that I am by the three of them but just the solitary feeling brings me the feeling of being ignored.

I took my coat and ate my breakfast. I overlay it on my under shirt and put on my shoes. "Where are you going?" Ivan asked, peeping from the door. "Knock the door! God, Ivan, you nearly killed me!" I gasped in shock. "Sorry, Arthur. I forgot about that, today's your trip to the psychiatrist again ,da?" he asked , with guilt. " Yeah, I have an appointment in an hour" I replied. " Would you want a ride? " he spun a key ring around his index finger, I accepted.

Later, we were both in the car. It was a fine day in Germany. If I recall from the book I've read about Germany that I found in my current bedroom, this part was a part of a former nation called Prussia. I wonder, what happened exactly that it had been dissolved? The Berlin wall stretched far, most of it has already been demolished. The Berlin wall had graffiti on it, but it wasn't vandalism. It was of peace, union, or separation. A story of decades of separation all illustrated on this wall.

Where exactly did I come from? I had a different accent than everybody else. Not only that, I look differently as well. If only my memories would come back just like that. I would like to know who I was in the past. Who I was to you and who you were to me that I only remembered you.

The car stopped in front of an office which was familiar to me. I got out of the car after taking off my seatbelt " Thanks for the ride, I'll give you a call after I'm done" I informed Ivan who simple smiled and sped off. I sighed, another day another torture. I didn't really like going to psychiatrists, they treat you like you're a freak from another planet. I opened the door, followed by the sound of chimes hitting each other.

The sight was different than I expected. I nearly thought I was in a different place and that I would have to lecture Ivan for dropping me off at the wrong office. The woman at the counter had long brown hair that curled at the end. She didn't look at me when I entered, she was reading some kind of visual book that had R-18 on it. I clearly didn't want to know what she was reading. I walked up to the counter and asked " Hello? I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, his name is Ludwig if I'm not mistaken" the woman turned upwards, her face red and embarrassed , probably from not knowing that someone had seen her reading a R-18 book. But she was silent and stunned.

"Arthur? Is that you?" she asked. I was puzzled as to why she knew my name but then remembered that she probably went over the registry book, but all I could remember was that the registry book had no pictures. "Pardon? I don't think I remember you , miss. But is Mr. Beilschmidt here? I mean by Ludwig" I didn't know why I had to say the last part. I've only known one Beilschmidt for now but it felt like there were two Beilschmidts. She looked up at me again, surprised at my answer but then hesitated. She then looked through the registry book and said "I'm sorry but they switched your psychiatrist without notice. Hell, I've been transferred here without notice and so is your new psychiatrist! Your new psychiatrist is Gilbert Beilschmidt, oh... he's your former's older brother" she answered in a long response.

"Thank you" I nodded and proceeded to the psychiatrist's room and knocked on the door. "Come in" a man's voice said. I turned the knob and stepped afoot inside. The psychiatrist had silver hair and red eyes, but his eyes were fixated on a sheet of paper. "Hello?You're my new psychiatrist right?" I said . The man shot up and was stunned as well. "Arthur? Really man?! I can't believe it's you! They said..they said you !" I shook my head, much to the man's disappointed. "I'm sorry but my name is Arthur, have we met before? I mean, I do suffer from amnesia and recovering but why do you look oddly familiar?" I asked politely , sitting in front of him.

The man smirked and scratched his hair, laughing maniacally. "You suffer from amnesia right? Maybe we did met! Maybe you're the Arthur I'm talking about! Hell, you look like him! I'm Gilbert Beilschmidt, wait, does that ring a bell?" he motioned his hand in front of my face. But somehow, I felt a bit of warmth. Again. This feeling. I closed my eyes as I heard the voices again, like the ones I've had in my dreams .

_"Arthur! Dude, are you okay?" Gilbert asked me. I was beaten up again. Gilbert's hand was bandaged, probably from handling a knife the wrong Beilschmidt was one of my friends. He was like me, except stronger. He fights for his rights but gets a treatment far terrible than mine. But he stays strong and fight , people had already viewed him as a delinquent, but he was a victim. Being victimized by the stronger and popular ones. " Are you sure you're supposed to be worried about me? You need to go to the nurse, you bloody idiot" I glanced at him from toe to head. His shirt was torn and dirty , he had a black eye and a bloody nose. "Ja, I'm okay, their awesomeness isn't up to my level" he snickered. "That's what you say, but look at us" I got depressed, Gilbert's smile turned into a frown "We'll stop all this okay? We'll be able to stand above them like we wished" we both nodded and weakly grinned._

"Gil..." the word comes out of my mouth unexpectedly that even I got surprised. "What did you call me?" Gilbert asked, but more memroies flashed about. "Gil, I called you Gil. Your name is Gilbert Beilschmidt right? Did we become...friends in high school?" I asked shortly after. I remembered. I remembered him. "Arthur? It really is you then! Nobody except you, Liz, Chiara , Antonio, Francis and Joan called me that! Arthur, what happened to you" Gilbert cheered loudly that even the woman I met earlier barged in the room. "I heard someone say Arthur" the woman eyed Gilbert and I.

Gilbert's eyes were teary as he smiled happily. "Elizaveta, this is our Arthur. Arthur Kirkland" Gilbert answered, much to Elizaveta's surprised , she hugged me. "uhh.. Excuse me ma'am, but I don't remember who you are" I take a look at her, trying to remember any information I know of her. She smiled sadly at me, but continued "I'm Elizaveta Hedervary, and it's awkward that you called me ma'am, call me Liz like you used to" she demanded. I tried recalling, only being able to remember a few but memorable moments.

_"Arthur, want me to teach you how to make chocolates? I know that you would like to make some for a special girl~" she sneaked behind me, I got shocked at I dropped my melted chocolate on the floor. " Liz? What are you doing here?" I groaned. Wait, how did she know it's for a girl? Does she know which one though? "I came here because I know you'll either burn the kitchen down or have expired chocolates" she laughed. I scowled, but then looked at her wrists. They're red, again. But fresh. I hesitated "Did you cut again?", her laugh turned to a frown. "Don't bother about it, come on, I'll teach you how to do it. And also, I heard while passing by the jocks' lockers, that Amelia likes dark chocolates" I dropped the bowl again. So she does know. "How did you know?!" I yelled over but flinching after I opened one of my cuts accidentally. I didn't sew it properly, probably. "It's obvious Arthur, I'm a girl, I should know" she mocked._

"Elizaveta Hedervary. Liz, I remembered something, who's Amelia?" I asked immediately after the memory ended. I didn't get the reaction I expected. There was a long silence and only stares given. But a phone call broke it . It was Gilbert's phone, it rang to the tune of "Payphone" . Gilbert walked over and answered the call "Hello? Gilbert Beilschmidt speaking, who are you? Hello, Mr. Henry, ja, ja . Nein, I do not want to change again, I do not want to talk about this ever again, understand? Auf Wiedersehen" he dropped the call quickly. He turned to me , grinning "How much do you remember?"

I tried to recall a few memories that I remembered but only 3 came to my mind about them. "A bit" I confessed. Gilbert looked at Elizaveta who simply nodded " I think we know what to do now that we found you, maybe we cou—" Elizaveta was cut off by Gilbert soon after "But we need your permission first, you know, for your comfort" I didn't understood what he meant for a while but then I came to understand. They found me, but what if the others too? I'm still recovering, I don't want everything to rush yet. I don't want to return to a family which I have forgotten and treat me like an unexpected guest. Wait, what happened? What happened to my family which I don't remember? What were they told?

I shook my head " I think I should get it slow, I don't want to have a panic attack or get nervous. I don't think I should see my family yet" . They understood . "I think we're done for today" Gilbert confirmed, nodding his head. "Let's celebrate, but of course, the three of us" Elizaveta grinned. I agreed, maybe I could recall a few more memories. Maybe, is possible, they could just come at once. I texted Ivan that I don't need to be picked up, that I'm going out for awhile and probably won't be home until midnight, but I found a ride, so he doesn't need to worry about me, or his sister, Sophia. Sophia has a habit of overly worrying about others, Ivan has a soft spot for a couple of things, Natalia.. I don't know much about her except that she really really likes her brother.

**oOoOoOo**

"So where we're going?" Gilbert locked the door of the office. I stood behind him with Elizaveta who answered his question with "I'm not from here, you are so why are you asking me? You should know the good places" . Sometimes, I feel like a third wheel now. I tried to remember their relationship but nothing comes to my mind besides friendship in middle school. The only thing I remember about them in high school was eating lunch in an abandoned room along with a few other people I don't remember.

"Kesesese!Ja, I think I know where! Oh yeah, isn't today the day she'll be coming to visit us?" Gilbert put the key inside of his breast pocket, we started to walk along the pavement. "She? Oh you meant _her_" Elizaveta scowled. Who are they talking about? "Hey, you always complained about me being an arschloch, now you're on too, bitch" Gilbert pouted. Elizaveta countered " But it was her fault! If only she didn't say those words, he wouldn't be like that, for 13 years! 13 years, that's long, Gil, but she just...shit..." I wonder, who were they talking about. This "she" and "he" .

We walked and walked again and found ourselves stopping in front of a British restaurant. Elizaveta was disappointed "Really? You know how bland British food is" "Kesesese, did you forget about our freund over here?" he pointed to me. I shook my head , " Uh... I don't think I want to eat British food, I don't know why, but could we have something not from Europe?" I didn't know why I said that. Maybe it's because of something I've experienced in the past. We walked down the path again until Elizaveta pointed to a sign " Asian food?". Gilbert grinned "Really Liz? You know how much Art was crazy about Asian food. Curry especially" he smirked and glanced at me. "Was I?" I thought to myself, trying to recall anything related to food.

"Ja, you were! Now let's just get in !" he dragged both Elizaveta and I into the restaurant. Although I've spent my two years in Germany for recovery , I've never stepped inside this restaurant. It looked like Ancient China, with mixed cultures from Thailand, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japan, Korea ( both, okay?), Vietnam, Indonesia, India, Laos, Myanmar, Philippines , Malaysia, Brunei, Singapore, Timor-Leste, Israel, Iran, Arab, well practically the entire Asia. The restaurant was incredibly spacious that 4 tables is a section to a country's culture. For instance, 4 tables will be treated with the hospitality and culture of the specific country the table was assigned to. We sat down at a table under the Indian culture.

They gave us a menu each, the waitress that served us were dressed traditionally in sari. My mouth watered just at the sight of curries, maybe in the past, I liked curry. There were lots of curry to choose from but Gilbert insisted that I ordered all of it , which I did and didn't regret. The best one I tasted that night was Indian curry, then Malay beef curry. Gilbert ordered something different, I think it was a Chinese cuisine that involved crabs. Elizaveta only ate sushi, then continued to read the same R-18 book that I saw her read.

"Gott, will you please stop reading that verdamnt book?! Not to mention you're still a virgin" Gilbert complained, I stayed silent because I wanted to remain Switzerland. "Huh? What's wrong being a virgin! I thought you were a strong Catholic! And it's not my fault that I'm a virgin" and their faces turned red. I had suspicions of them and this somehow proves it true. I wish I could remember something at least, something that's useful.

"How was I? I mean, before I got involved in the plane crash" I asked unexpectedly. Their original colour returned to their faces but with a frown . "Arthur, do you ever look at your wrists?" that's something I do every day. I do look at my wrists, they hurt like hell at night and there were red marks. "Yes, why?" I tilted my head, poking my beef curry. Gilbert sighed, "you were like us. You had a girl you liked for 13 years. But, you were suffering , suffering from the same thing like we did. And that was how we please ourselves, we cut our wrists, wanting to die faster" .

I stopped thinking for a long while. What? I tried to commit suicide? Really, I just wished that all my memories would return and everything would be over. I took a deep breath and needed to think again. I excused myself from the table and walked towards the men's washroom. I probably wasn't looking because I bumped into a girl head-on. "I'm sorry! I wasn't looking" I apologized. The girl groaned in pain, she was on top of me. "Oh sorry, I didn't see where I was looking, I'll get off you now!" she immediately stood up, but that voice, it sounded familiar. I turned around. The same blonde hair, the same smile, the same voice. Why do you look familiar?

**(( A/N: DUN DUN DUN~~ Heya guys, I'm sorry if this is messed up OvO / i'm kinda in a rush to write the upcoming chapters for my other fanfictions~ This will probably have like 8 chapters , Yeah I'm rushing it~ Did I mention that I'll be doing requests? Just send me an ask through my Tumblr , which pairing and the AU~ **

**About this chapter, it's loosely based on the Vocaloid song A Clingy Boy for 15 years. You see, for 13 years Arthur's feelings were ignored and two years, he still writes letters (just like the one in the song) which makes it 15 years. He doesn't know who's he writing to but he knows that he loves her. That's why I kinda used this song for this !))**


	4. Sorry To You

Today is the day I'll be travelling to Germany. Matthew was assigned a research there, I had to follow him since he got paranoid about "who's going to take care of my little sister?! You mustn't trust anybody immediately! What if you got raped what if you got robbed what if you were murdered while I'm away?!" .I packed all my belongings into a bag and checked it over and over again.

I zipped the bag close and threw myself onto my bed. 10 minutes left before I have to get out of the house or else Matthew will start to blabber again. I did my usual routine, in which I searched for a small letter-sized treasure box under my bed. It was my secret box. It was dark under my bed so I to use a flashlight . "Where is that damn thing?" I muttered to myself. Surely, it couldn't be anywhere else, I've hid it under my bed all this while. Unless my overprotective Canadian brother found it and decided to open the box and read all the letters, which would end up in disaster.

I cursed under my breath when my head hit something hard. "Shit..." I flashed the light on the object and found the box I looked for. Without hesitation I took the box out from its hiding place and opened the box after locking my bedroom door. "Today again, I received another letter. How many did you write exactly?" I questioned myself. The new letter that arrived was on my desk, unopened, unread.

I head to my desk and sat on the comfortable chair that I bought 5 years ago. I placed the box next to the envelope of the letter and took out the letter itself. Again, it's short, but detailed .

_How are you today? I wish you a good day, Amelia. I don't know how much I've written and I don't know when the last letter would arrive. I bet you're bored already right? Kept receiving letters like this instead of e-mails. I'm probably somewhere in UK, studying again. Scott would probably be smacking my head any moment now and Peter's probably begging me to do his homework._

_What are you doing? I wish I could see you again, hear your voice when you sing like when we were 10 years old. I could still remember your face that flushed red when I complimented you. Would you be playing games? I liked it when you play games, board or console. Your winning smile and laugh would make me smile and brighten up my mood. _

I brushed my index finger over the letters. No, I'm not bored Arthur, I want you to keep sending me letters, even though there won't be any probably. I'd rather have the excitement of waiting for a letter rather than having an instant reply. I like reading your letters, sometimes they're of things I don't remember, or things I never noticed. But most of all, I liked your letters they make you seem alive. They make me pretend that you're still breathing. The words you wrote make me happy and lively, excited for what's to come.

I placed the letter back into the envelope and the entire into the box where I put all two year's worth of letters from you. I slipped them under the piles of clothes that I packed properly in my bag. I heard Matthew calling for me from downstairs and dragged my bag on the wheels across the bedroom floor and corridor.

"You ready, Amie?" Matthew looked at me. I nodded, all I need are words from you, they make me happy. I don't need anything else. "Then get into the car" Matthew joked.

**(O3O)/ HI THERE THIS IS TIMESKIP**

We arrived in Germany after hours of being stuck in the airplane. The air in Germany is fresh and the architecture of the buildings are far from the ones I see in the States. We got a cab which brought us to our rented apartment. I didn't sleep at all from last night due to excitement, so I took a short nap in the car. A nap that was short enough to bring another smile and a chuckling Amelia that made Matthew curious.

_"Arthur, faster, geez!" I yelled over to Arthur who brought his novel with him. For a kid his age ( in which he was 9 at the time) he already had interest in adult's novels that includes gore and such. I never wanted myself to read those kinds of books. I'd rather read comic books than romance novel . But there was something off about Arthur. Ever since I met him, he always wore glasses. He said it's because of a vision defect. He has asthma, I kind of felt guilty for making him walk faster than he's supposed to, but hey, aren't boy supposed to have better stamina than girls?_

_"Amie! You're too fast, bloody hell where did I put my inhaler" he started to wheeze and desperately looked for his inhaler which he found in one of the pockets of his shorts. "You're too weak, Artie! Man up!" I encouraged him. Arthur threw a ball of paper at me for insulting him. Hey, he was too weak as a boy._

_"Just leave me here, I'd rather read than play" he muttered, sitting down under a tree with an opened Sherlock Holmes novel. I looked over his shoulder, the words are too hard for me to understand " Urgh.. how do you even understand those words?! I hate British English!" I stated, groaning as i try to look for at least a word that I actually understand and recognize. Arthur was silent. Why is he always engrossed into a story once he reads one? _

_I sighed deeply , knowing there won't be enough entertainment for me. It was a nice day, cloudy and breezy. Today's one of those rare days where I could lie to my friends and play with Arthur .I've always wonder how did Arthur discover this place and when?_

_He would leave the classroom early with his novels, and straight to somewhere I don't know of._

_He closed his book and looked at me "Amie, what's the date today?" . I replied it with the date being 6__th__ of March. He smiled brighter than he usually does, he slid the book into his sling bag ( he always carried one with him , to put his books in it). "Arthur, what's going on?" I asked him as the wind was stronger. He turned to me, grinning "I'll show you" he sped off, faster than I've seen him._

_"Arthur?!" I yelled over as I see his silhouette disappear. I followed him, using the trails of flattened grass he left behind. When I found him, I was amazed by the sight that I saw. How did Arthur find such beautiful things exactly? "Isn't this beautiful?" he half-yelled, half-asked me from the middle of the flower field. It was a field full of blossoming white flowers that varies from orchids to daisies._

Matthew woke me up. Damn it Matt, why is it at the best part of a dream, you would get interrupted and have to wake up only to find out that you'll never have the dream ever again. "Get out lazy ass" Matthew pointed his thumb to our new apartment. Where did his Canadian inside him go?

I groaned , dragging my bags upstairs after we paid the driver. Somehow, for no reason , I thought of you again. Your empty coffin. It felt like I was praying for some else's death and mourning for a stranger. But now, I can't read your letters for a month. 4 letters will be waiting for me at home, just to be read, that is if you wrote any more than today's.

My new bedroom had the view of the entire state. I had to admit, Berlin's pretty amazing. I looked around and I could see the Berlin Wall, which triggered a memory I never knew I had experienced before.

_Arthur ran over to me, panting. " Amelia, are you alright?" your voice was deeper than your 8 year-old self. You started to call me by Amelia, why won't you call me Amie anymore? I noticed your wrists, they were always red, I've always wondered what happened to them._

_"I'm alright, Artie I smiled gleefully, but your eyes were empty as you bandaged my wrists. "Why did you do this?" you asked me, with a serious tone. "I wanted to try, your wrists are always red, I wanted to try it for fun" I confessed, as you apply pressure to my cut. "For fun? Amelia, what were you thinking? What do you mean by for fun? Do you think this is a joke?" your tone was cold and sad. Why exactly did you cut your wrists then? _

_"I'm sorry Artie, I just wanted to try" I admitted. You just stared at me, forgivingly. "Don't do it again" you said that, but I've always noticed your red wrists, getting redder and redder every day. Why wasn't Allen there for me though? Why were you always there when I needed you and I'm not there for you? _

I frowned at the thought of Allen. That bastard. I felt guilty, after all these years, 13 years, you didn't tell me, and I was too stupid to notice. And then you left, I regretted everything. But I had your letters, that made me feel like you're still alive somewhere.

I heard Matthew yell again. Sometimes I think that he just likes to whisper whenever there's more than the two of us and starts to get louder than me when we're alone. Nice thinking Matt. Good thing I'm not a tattle-tell. I dumped my bag on the floor and opened it. My bed was already made when we arrived so I opened the bag and took out the box again. I dropped myself on the bed and read one of the letters, making sure I locked the door, and the key is with me.

You know. In case Matthew decides to be an overprotective brother who needs to know every single detail that happened to me. Yeah, that kind of brother.

You were always close to Matthew, he treated you like a brother and so did you. Heck, you were closer to him than me. When we heard the news, Matthew was silent for an entire month even though I tried to cheer him up with maple syrup , but whenever I do, I end up crying myself.

I still keep your journals. They were fun to read, most of them are like fairytales that came straight out of a Hans Christian Anderson book. I would reread everything that you've sent to me every night and just try to remember anything that I could remember of you.

I opened the box and took out an envelope which had the most beautiful stamp I've ever seen. The letter itself was re-folded nicely. I wanted to keep everything that you left for me , in a perfect condition so that I can remember, and remember again. Reliving the memories I never knew I had and regretting the times I have never been there for you . I want to re-read the letters , the last piece of you that I could have.

_I'm sorry, for not telling you properly._

_I'm sorry that I wasn't into video games. That I was more into literature._

_I'm sorry that I couldn't cook and burn everything_

_I'm sorry that everything I did to cheer you up always failed_

_I'm sorry that I wanted for you to belong to me and likewise_

_I'm sorry for even being your friend_

_But thank you, for being my closest friend._

It was short, but it was my favourite. It was the saddest. You shouldn't apologize. You weren't a humiliation to me. You were never selfish. You never failed cheering me up. Your chocolates tasted better than anything else and I should be sorry for never thinking about you.

Ever since your first letter, I try to imagine you writing these letters by hand. How you came up with the words that was written permanently on these letters and wrote them perfectly without mistakes. How you remember all these things, that even I can't. How you can sort everything out when I couldn't. How you're always finding some way to fix a problem that I started. And how you endured my greed when I ignored you.

I kept the box under my new bed. Matthew knocked on my door (for the first time in 2 years, with him barging my personal space and time anytime he wants) "Hey Amie, you wanna eat out later? In 1 minutes?" he asked, louder than usual. I yelled a "yes" back and continued to dig through my bags.

In the next 10 minutes, we were on the streets of Berlin, walking along what was known as a historical site, the Berlin Wall that once separated families and friends by dividing Germany into West and East Germany.

The graffiti that were mostly spray painted on the wall told a story of decades during the divide. I've read about it once. I turned to Matthew who seemed hungry already, looking at the map like a typical foreign tourist .

"Where're we heading?" I asked, nibbling on a chocolate bar I brought with me from the States. Matthew took out yet another tourist's guide book and looked under the Cafe category and pointed to a restaurant called Asia All Over the World. I shot him a confused and disappointed look. "Really , Matt? We're in Germany now. In Europe. Not in Asia" I stated. "Well yeah but I'm probably ready enough to eat European food" Matthew confessed. Back home, even when you were still breathing, whenever you came over to my house you always see Matthew eating Chinese noodles, right?

And I remembered how you used to wait for even an hour just to eat curry. How desperate are you for food? Especially curry, exactly? I never exactly liked the taste of curry and it's too spicy. How did you handle it?

With the help of a local, we found our destination in not less than 30 minutes after. The interior were different , according to each country and its cultures, but the menu stays the same for every table. I don't know why but Matthew always order the same thing, do you? I ordered myself ramen.

Even when the food arrived, I poked at it in boredom. College doesn't start till next week and I enrolled for a college here in Germany, I wished I paid attention to you more when you talked in German, or when you were learning German.

My head started to ache and I excused myself to the washroom, but before that I had to suffer Matthew's questions " Do you have your phone? Did you bring your wipes? Are you sure that you'll be okay?" . He never did this before but shortly after you died, he started to ask all these unnecessary questions.

He never tells me why exactly, but I've already known the answer. Your mere existence, always being there for me and besides me eased him, Matthew doesn't need to worry because he knows that you'll be there for me. Like I've never been for you.

I want to go back in time, but would that be possible? I want to go to the time where I've met you and became your friend, and smack some sense and realization into the past me.

I wasn't looking where I was going, but all I knew was I bumped into a guy . "I'm sorry!" he said immediately after the fall. Odd, he had a voice similar to yours except deeper. I apologized in return , without looking at him face-to-face.

I looked upwards and I was seeing something I didn't expect. Messy blonde hair, emerald green eyes, and thick eyebrows, that looked similar to yours. This man looked exactly liked you. "Arthur?" the name of the person I thought of, were slipped from my mouth.

**(( A/N: Sup guys, this chapter is shorter because I'm more to Arthur and I am focusing it more on Arthur, that poor guy, u feel him bro do u feel him ? Arthur's my priority OuO / Anyways, the next chapter shall reveal what happened soon after ~ Oh, this chapter is based on "Sorry to You" a song sung by Vocaloid Megpoid/Megumi/Gumi . She really does have a lot of names. But this chapter is loosely based on the song. According to the song and the PV, the girl wants to apologize to the boy, for teasing him and all that, yeah... Auf Wiedersehen!))**


	5. Orange

_I could still see the orange sunset. You were clinging onto Allen's arm, chuckling like you always did. I've always wanted to see you smile like that. Of course I did, but I wanted to see you put on that smile for me. I'm sorry for being greedy and selfish. I know you're not mine. So where should I head off to now?_

_The nostalgic scenes of our summer for the past few years were always ruined by the voices that haunted me and the faceless figures that walked past us. I could hear them ,murmuring to each other. But you couldn't. Everyone didn't. Only I did. I was the only one who had to endure the voices that no one could hear. I was the only one who had tainted my eyes with faceless people I should've never seen. I was the only one who had to go through the pain of seeing and hearing the dead ._

"Arthur?" the blonde said, staring at me. I shook my head, she was probably thinking of another Arthur. "Sorry, but I'm not Arthur, let me help you" I offered my hand to her. Her eyes were of disbelief and longing. "It's okay ,I can get up on my own" she brushed my hand away but not harshly. "It was my fault that I crashed into you, I should be the one saying sorry" she hung her head low. "It's okay, it's always been like that" I gave her a faint smile and watched her nod and walked away to the ladies' washroom.

I felt tired by then. My body grew weak after the crash. I need to go home, I thought. I walked back to our table, Gilbert and Elizaveta had eaten their share of the meal and paid for the bill. "You didn't had to" I gave them a share of my money to pay for the bill. Gilbert looked at me and said "It's okay. Think of it as a reunion dinner that I reserved the café for" he winked at me and I had no other choice. I grew tired for no reason and told them I wanted to go home. "Why don't you stay at mein house for now?It's right down the street und it'll be easy for you to go to the office und for your therapy" Gilbert looked at me. I thought for awhile, it's been 3 years since I've freeload off Ivan and his siblings, I didn't want to burden them any further. I nodded, adding "can I get my stuff first?" which they agreed to.

**OoOoOoO**

"Ivan? Can I come in?" I awaited the Russian's answer. I heard the clanks of chains knocking into each other and the door opened ,"Arthur? Of course you can, come on in" he greeted me with his sunshine smile. I thanked him and walked to my room . He followed me into my room as well "Are you moving ?" . I replied him "yes" and he went outside of the room, came back with empty boxes. "Here, use these. I'll help you pack up" Ivan willingly helped me pack my belongings. "Where are you moving to?" he asked me while putting my books into a box he held in his arms.

"I met an old friend, turns out he's my psychiatrist . Maybe, just maybe, I could have my memories back. And I don't want to burden you three anymore, I must be a burden am I not?" I gave myself a pity chuckle at the thought of achieving something impossible. Ivan gave me a confused look but relaxed soon after, "no you weren't Arthur, it was fun. I never had friends until you came along. It was only my sisters and I. I was lonely, our parents died when we were young and it was a dull life. But then, you became my first friend, for three years, you weren't a burden to us, for three years, you made my life less ..empty?" that was the first time in three years, I felt a surge of happiness and relief.

"You've been worrying over nothing. I want to help you get your memories back, I'll do anything to help you, da?" Ivan smiled at me. I picked up the last of my belongings (I didn't have that much) and returned his smile "Thank you for everything, Ivan, you know, maybe we should meet up on some days if we're free, okay?" I probably sound like one of those girls, but throughout three years of my life after the crash, Ivan was the only friend I had since his sisters were girls and we really couldn't get that close in a way.

"Give my thanks to the other two, I'll just be down the street from my psychiatrist's office so you'll know where" I gave him the thumbs up before he waved me a goodbye and the door closed. It started to get cold. Gilbert stood by his car, at my feet were my boxes. "A little help here?" I pointed to the boxes and he picked the boxes up easily and loaded them into his car.

After everything was loaded, I sat at the right front seat, Gilbert tuned his radio to a classic German music radio station. He drove past the tall buildings of Berlin, along the Berlin wall. It was the same as always. Somehow, it gave me inspiration. I heard from Ivan, that the collapse of Soviet Union and the Berlin Wall started with this wall. The West and East Germans dug and dug into the wall and after efforts, they made a gap in the wall and from that the day on, the wall slowly collapse and families reunited. Maybe it would be the same for me. If I manage to break down that wall that block my 17 years worth of memories, I could probably find my old self. But would it be as worth as the collapse of the wall? Would it be worth it to break that wall down?To gain my memories back? What if the memories were of horrible times instead of happiness and joy?

"You look concerned, anything's the problem?" Gilbert took a left turn. "Nothing, just wondering about my old self, say, how was I? Surely you remembered right?" I shook my head lightly, gazing at the stars above through the windows of the car. Gilbert sighed heavily "I met you for a few years only but I was your closest fruend .I only knew a portion of your life of that time, but there was another person , and that person was someone you were best freund with. However, I'm not exactly that fond of the person" he scowled. "Why so?" I bugged sighed heavily again "You'll find out sooner or later, I don't want to say it now, bitte…I've just met you after so long, thinking you were actually dead, bitte, Arthur" he had sobs in his voice. I didn't ask any further questions about that person,most likely it was a taboo to talk of that I got curious, deciding tomorrow to meet Elizaveta and ask her about it.

The car stopped at a normal-looking building. Of red bricks and vines that cling onto the pillars that stood strong. "Just so you know, those vines are purposely there for decoration" Gilbert nudged me. "Grand looking it is" I said , informally and in terrible English. "All right'y ! Let's unload your shit!" he started to laugh but in an odd way "kesesese"? if I'm not mistaken?

We finished unloading the boxes and Gilbert gave me the spare bedroom. In no time at all, the bedroom had the essence of my preferences. Gilbert knocked on my bedroom door and entered, snickered after looking around "Just like your old self, I guess this is a huge improvement" his eyes continued to wander around the room. "Really? I guess that's an achievement. I can't wait to get my memories back, it buggers me off so much that I nearly became a girl having a bloody twat every day just thinking about my past" I cursed under my breath.

He sent me a look in his eyes of pity "There are just some things I don't think you should remember and I don't want you to remember though" . He whistled to a familiar tune, that I couldn't remember the tile but it was too familiar. "I give up, what song are you whistling?" I groaned, lying on the bed that Gilbert prepared for me. "Kesese!It's the song that you wrote, Artie" he grinned. My face was flushed red.

"Vain aren't ya?But it was awesome, it was the last thing you gave us before the crash, before all this happened" he continued whistling. "What was it called?" I asked, trying to remember the song."I forgot but I vaguely remember it, it was something close to Gone and Remember Me?, by the way, you should really be an author or a lyricist for some band" Gilbert confessed. "Me?Pfft, That is if I'm done being like this. I don't remember anything except for what I have now and whatever I learnt in school , I can't do anything for now"

I grunted. "I'm your psychiatrist, remember? I'll help you. I want to help you. We're bros, right?" he held out his fist. I was confused but some kind of memory came back to me. I bumped his fist with mine. I felt a sense of nostalgia.

_"I'll help you out as much as I can, Gil" I promised. "Then I'll look out for you, Artie, we're bros forever, right?" he grinned widely at me. Our bruised arms and neglected minds were the last of what I saw before I slept on the bed at the nurses' office after getting involve in a fight with one of Allen's "buddies" .Of course, I Gilbert was there, he beat up the the kid and won for me. We both got detention but we got injured so was a funny sight. Two wimpy kids against a bigger-sized kid._

"I remember the promise. I'll keep that promise, Gil" I grinned at myself, Gilbert was amazed. "Oh wow, I didn't know you …I….That's amazing, maybe at this rate you might be able to remember everything in a month or so? I mean, you already remembered our time together, nearly all the time we've spent together, didn't you?Wow… maybe I should turn Skype on und..und… Toni und Francis und argh! This is progress, Artie!" he cheered.

I smiled to myself. For three years, I don't remember much, but I met Gilbert today and I remembered nearly all the memories I had with him. But there was something that bothered me, it was that girl. Blonde and was she?

((A/N:Sorry for typos, horrible and short chapter! I got busy for the past month, OTL . My granddad got admitted into hospital recently because of stroke and it's been two weeks and no progress yet…We had to take care of him and all. This was just a quick chapter that I wrote in class and had to type out fast, sorry! By the way, this one is loosely based on the song "Orange" by ShounenT, about a boy who have feelings for his childhood friend, but his friend doesn't realize his feelings for her and she is actually in a relationship with someone else or so I think that's how it goes))


	6. Chapter 6

Matthew's face remained curious. "Amelia, what's wrong?" Matthew asked of me. " Nothing wrong , bro" I assured him,except there was something that irked me. The person I bumped into a few minutes ago looked a lot like Arthur. Except his face a more matured and deeper voice.

I must've poke my food since Matthew kept bugging me " What happened? Did someone upset you? " I shook my head since really none of his questions were accurate enough for a nod. "Fine then , stop picking your food" he gave up and sighed .

I didn't feel like eating.I've lost my appetite after that. Even my growling stomach didn't seem important to me now. Did I became schizophrenic due to my longing or was it too true to be real?

_"Pixies ,Amy! You've got one of them stuck to your jacket " Arthur said on one normal elementary school morning. As usual, I didn't see any. I started to wonder whether he was lying and thought that all girls my age would still believe in pixies and fairies and all that fairy tale nonsense._

_"Arthur,there isn't any! I'm not a little girl anymore I'm the same age as you!" I shouted at him. But he was still serious. "Don't move,Amy, she's nearly out" he tugged my jacket and played around with ,I wonder what was the use of his glasses. Without them,he could still walk around perfectly what use was them?_

_"She's out now!" he exclaimed and had that grin on his face . I have no idea what he does. Most of the time, he talks to himself , or to him , "pixies" or "fairies" or even "trolls" and play around with them in the air. I can't see I don't have the gift to see. Either that, it's a game of charades._

"Amelia F Jones , are you done eating?" I heard my brother snapped. "Yeah , can we go now?" I asked him. He nodded with a grunt of frustration. Well, excuse me, you could've just snap me back into reality earlier.

We didn't really talk in the car.I looked at the scenery of Berlin as the cars passed was different than back at home in the States. I sighed and let out a groan in boredom. "Bored? Put on your earphones,I don't want to listen to your music" Matthew remarked. I nodded, knowing how much Matthew doesn't understand my taste in music like Fall Out Boy or Imagine Dragons.

I took out the earphones and placed them in my ear securely. It was night time already and the stars came out.

I didn't feel like listening to any song but I randomly chose a song. It played. Strums of guitars and a deep voice. It was a cover, not the original song.

_The Sun goes Down_

_The Stars go Up_

_And All that Counts_

_Is Here and Now_

Arthur,I'm sorry for everything. Everytime I listen to this song,I feel guilty for not realizing stupid I dense I was. How oblivious I was to your pain.

_My Universe _

_Will Never Be the Same_

_I'm glad you came,I'm glad you came_

Arthur,I'm glad that you made a place for yourself in my life.I'm grateful for that. I regret for not appreciating it.I want to see you you glad that you met me? Are you angry at me for not helping you out? Can I repent for those? Can I see you again?

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I let out a heavy breath in which Matthew commented as "You should sleep early today" .

I continued to listen to my music

_You cast a spell on me,spell on me _

_You hit me like the sky fell on me,fell on me_

I remembered that one night we had a sleepover at Francis' house with the others and we played Hide and Seek at night. I got pretty scared but you were still emotionless as always. "Don't worry ,it's just the pixies" you said that night. I didn't understand why .

Turned out the next few years, your brother told me you suffered from schizophrenia .A severe case of it. But yours wasn't just hallucinations they said. I didn't believe them that much but to the point where I think that you saw them as "real" .

_And I decided that that you looked well on me,well on me_

_So let's go to somewhere no one else could see,you and Me_

_Turn the lights off now_

I want to see you again.I want to drag you out of that shallow ocean ,touch your hand and feel your warmth again. Piles of regret that amounted to nothing but sorrow. What do you think of me? I don't think I'm able to move on.I want to see you again Arthur.

_I'll take you by the hand,_

Matthew stopped the car and I turned the song off.

"You okay,Amy?" he asked. "Yeah,I'm fine just homesick probably" I admitted. He looked relieved , "Well, since we'll be here for that long, I've asked the people at the Post Office back home to send the letters to here since ,well, maybe Arthur has more letters for you?" he gave me a look of sympathy. I don't want that, Matt.

All I want is to see Arthur again and tell him I'm sorry for everything,sorry for causing him so much for all the words I've said to for going out with Allen although it was Arthur's gift.

I didn't realize I slipped out Arthur's name after Matthew looked at me with more pitiful eyes. "I'm sorry,Amelia. But it's been 3 years, he gave you the best 10 years of your life and loved you longer than that, please,Amelia. You shouldn't cling onto him. He gave you the change to love Allen again like you always did" he said to me. No.

I liked Allen.I never loved him. But Matthew, what if he's still alive? What if he's watching over me and didn't wnat me to fall in love with the boy that made me forget about him?How do you know that that was what he wanted? Did he tell you? Why did he never tell me?Matthew,I hate you for t((A/N:Guess who's back?hinking that I'll love Allen again and will hate Arthur.

"I don't hate Arthur" I muttered. "Amelia, he gave 10 years to realize it. You did nothing.I'm his closest friend and I know how he felt, just continue with Allen" how do you know about that? Now you made me feel like trash.

I regretted everything. I dated Allen for so long that Matthew thought I hated Arthur by the day and only fell in love with Arthur after his death to get attention. Where was that Matthew,my brother,from few years back?

"Shut up,Matt,leave me alone" I walked past him and brushed him off like dust. He shrugged. I hated him for having a mind like that. I hated Matthew for thinking of me like that. Because.I know. That Arthur's up there,hating me already.

I'm sorry for everything,Arthur. I want to meet you again.

((A/N:GUESS WHO'S BACK? So umm..yeah,I made Matthew kinda a jackass in this one but it seemed fitting. I didn't update as fast like last time since I had..emotonal problems and personal issues. I'm still trying to recover! Thsi fanfic is based on Glad You Came by The Wanted if you didn't 's much shorter than the others since I have to go out later and wanted to update it today,but then I thought "I have to go out in another 30 minutes,ngaiti!Hopefully I can finish it in time,I cna do this anytime liao" but instead I did a quick typing and this was the if it disappoints probably in 2 more chapters,Arthur will start to remember her? But not that kind of happy ,why can't I write Fluff romance?!))

R&R Please!


	7. Reunions and Father's Voice

I saw things. Black shadows or figures,moving about and nobody except me noticed them. I could hear them chatter, I could hear them talk , but most of all , I could hear the voices of passing people. It was a gift, or so Antonio says, that I was born with. To me, it didn't make any sense. It's more of a curse. To be able to see, listen,touch and communicate with this "people" .

I could see little beings floating about with their transparent wings flutter in the still air like a hummingbird. Pixies, those were what Lovina called them.

"Arthur" I heard someone said my name. I see those shadows moving towards me. They were blurred and so was everything else. I didn't want to focus on anything.

"Arthur" I heard it again. It was so faint and distant that it seemed nearly impossible for me to "grab" the voice. I wanted to scream at it to come back. I wanted to hear the voice again. It seemed so familiar. It sounded nostalgic. I want to hear it again.

"Arthur!" I snapped back into reality , turned to Elizaveta who shouted my name. "Are you alright?" she asked me with pitiful eyes. I nodded a bit. It's been a few days and Gilbert managed to grab a few seats and book a flight for the others ( Antonio,Lovina,Francis and Joan) to come to Germany. We're in Saxony.

For the pass few days,I managed to recollect more of my of my family back in UK. They asked me if it's okay to bring me to my family, or my family to me at the moment.I told them "Yes" . I want to see my family again. It's been 3 years and I could remember most of my time with them.

Big brother Scott, who's always having mischievous ideas to have revenge on Dylan. Dylan who's always complaining about how rainy the day is. I've forgotten what my other two brothers' name were since I haven't remember up to that much and they've been absent nearly all the time due to school dormitory. All I remember of them was that one of them was a boaster but also a good-natured teasing brother while the other always had to put up with the other's nonsense. I have a younger brother who I can't figure out his name (it was either Jacob ,Peter or Maxwell, they aren't even similar sounding) who's snobby but relies on me a lot.

Gilbert book a flight for them two days ago and they're arriving today.

"You okay, Arthur?" I heard Joan creep behind me. Lord, if the plane crash wasn't my end, it's most probably Joan's habit of sneaking on to people. "Yeah,I'm just nervous with what will happen. You know, it's been 3 years and they think I'm dead so yeah... thanks for asking" I smiled at her.

But there was another that I was bothered about.

Recently,I had dreams of a girl. A blonde fair-tanned skin, cerulean blue eyes and dirty blonde hair . I could hear her giggles and chuckles. More dreams of her every night, it seemed like she was vital to my memories. I figured out her name was had an older brother named Matthew. I felt connected to her for some reason.

"Oh there they are!" Lovina exclaimed, shot her head towards her left. I was excited. I turned the same direction. I could already remember a few memories.

A woman with blonde hair that was tied in buns .Lastly a boy that resembled me except he had the blue eyes of his mother. Marisa Kirkland, and Peter Kirkland, was what I was told.

Where were the other 3?

"Is that really you? I mean, Arthur?My son that..that they said was gone? Oh my, it really is you! It's been so long...you cheated death and you came back...Arthur my baby boy " I could hear her cry .She ran towards me and hugged me.I was surprised by the act but then got familiar with the act of affection. "Yes,Mother, I am here. I ain't dead yet" I comforted her as she cried of joy.

My brother came up to me with red eyes that clearly shown he had cried on the way here. "What's wrong, Peter? Did you get beaten up by Scott again?" I joked around, shocked at myself of how I remembered that. "No, it's your fault" he admitted. For an 11 years old, he was sure a big baby.

"Come 'ere ,it's been so long since I've seen you both" I called for both Mother and Peter. "Where are the others? Where's Father?" at the last question I asked them, they gave me a look of pity.

"Your brothers aren't able to come since they have to go to college and all, your Father however..." her voice trailed off. "Mother, tell me, I've forgotten everything in the past 17 years and I don't like surprises" I joked around.

"He's gone, Art" Peter told me. "What do you mean" I tried to recall the time of his death. "The plane you ride was supposed to be your ride here. To mourn your father's death" Mother told me. I felt helpless. Devastated. Angry. Angry at myself for not remembering that.

"Don't be sorry, boyo. I should've expected you don't remember that" her voice was so soft and gentle. I felt like being in her arms again when I was a baby. "Carry me" I heard Peter beg. "Why should I?You're a big boy now, aren't ya Pete?" I chuckled. It's the first time I've laughed this happy before.

"I don't care, do it" so I made him hop onto my back. Lord,my back was about to break what had the boy been eating to make him that heavy? I guess, that's what you call "Growing up"

I can't wait to remember everything again. So that I can return to my old life and continue it as it was. I want to return to England and go to m grave and kick the gravestone. "I'm not dead yet!" I would tell the empty coffin where my "dead' body was supposed to be laid in.

Then it hit me. I looked at everybody and asked with a low voice, "Who's Amelia?". I didn't expect what came after that. Those faces they displayed were of anger and sympathy. My mother's face was full of brother's was anger. Joan pitied me. Gilbert was sorry for me. Elizaveta,Antonio and Lovina were angry.I didn't know why.

"Why do you have those faces?" I remarked. "Arthur, there are some things we wouldn't want to tell you" Francis spoke up. "But if you would want to..." his voice trailed off, "Then we'll tell you" Joan continued.

"Tell " I commanded them. They were hesitating. I didn't know why. "Come on, I'm not going to know anything just by standing here like a git making a fool of myself , am I?" I added.

"Fine" Lovina scowled. "Amelia F Jones. She was your "childhood best friend" as she was yours. Except for the fact you ended up being her "counsellor" and her place for complaints when she was dating that bastard Allen. So in the end, when you had to return to the UK for your father's funeral, you were given the choice to return to US or stay in UK forever. She rejected you with no second thought and you left and the plane crashed" she said with a straight face but her voice was of anger and frustration.

Amelia. "Wait,why did I even need her for permission to go stay in the UK?" I was puzzled. Joan sighed, "Your amnesia even took away your feelings,huh?Well then,let me explain. You were head over heels for her and she made you her dog" wait Joan why are you talking like that? "I'm not usually like this but I'm really angry at her after all these years,doing it to you" Joan admitted.

Francis was shocked to hear that from his wife and so were the others. "Joan,you had this personality?"Francis asked . "Only if I'm really really angry" she laughed.

"Tell me more about Amelia" I begged. They hesitated once more.

"Fine...we'll tell you"

**OoOoO**

I didn't want to believe them.

I regretted for wishing to remember her

I wished I never wanted to even remember her name.

But I feel anger that was kept inside me. She didn't stop me. Instead,she made me go. But I forgave her. I was selfish. I knew, that she would never be mine . I am hers though. Forever will be.

I finally understand as to why they never wanted to bring her up. Or how my Mother was giving me the looks of a widow whose son had "died" but was only an empty mannequin. Also as to why my own younger brother would even dare to yell and scream at the girl.

I don't want these memories of her heart aches so painfully at the thought of even me being the person she likes. At the thought of how she rejected it and how I was still clinging onto her for hope.

I could see Gilbert trying to calm me down and had no effect on me at all. "Leave me alone, Gil" I warned him with a stern voice. Then I remembered what I van had told me 2 years ago, a few months after the crash, "_Do you have anyone that loves you besides your family? A girlfirned perhaps?" he laughed, I knew he was joking. _Well then,Ivan, I found my answer. .

"If that's what you want, then so be it" Gilbert got fed up with me at the time. I saw it coming.

Their voices were tuning out with the background voices. Words spoken by the past. Shadows repeating words I wish to forget.

I could hear them making fun of me. Humiliating me. And most of all, her voice. Her voice which she said in to say those words that gave me no reason to stay in the States.

I didn't know what overcame me. I had the urge to turn my heels to the other direction and run for it. I had the urge to scream and yell at how stupid I was and how I was being treated. How I thought she was my friend and how she used me.

But I loved still do. I didn't want any of that to happen. I'm just selfish after all. But there's a part of me that wants to see her again.

Wanting to talk to her again. Wanting to yell at her. Wanting to blame her. Wanting her to like to be the person she cares a lot for. But I'm none of them now. She thinks I'm dead and nothing else. What exactly did she do at my funeral? They didn't tell me.

I made a run for it. I left the airport lobby and managed to catch a taxi. I wanted to be alone. "Berlin, please, as fast as you can" I quickly said with no hesitation.I nearly cried in front of them. All of all the people, why her? Why is it her that I fell in love with? Why is it her that I never want to let go?Why is it her that I allowed her to hurt me?

I wanted to scream at back in time like the I can't.

I heard voices again.

_She loves you Arthur . She wants to see you again. She's sorry for everything. She's on the verge on dying. She needs you now,Arthur,my boy._

The voice sounded familiar. But if she's sorry for everything,then really, they'll only apologize once you're gone.

_Arthur, do you remember what I told you before you left for the States? I love you and you'll always be more than my son. I wish I didn't have to leave for the army and stay longer with you and play with you._

Who are you? Whose voice is this? I don't recall anybody yet.

_I remember when you were 2 years old, we brought you to Scotland for two years and you threw a tantrum, wanting to go move to Wales instead. Scott picked and teased on you but in the end ,he makes it up by bringing you to the Loch Ness. I could still remember how enthusiastic and excited you were when he first told you the story of the Loch Ness Monster, Nessie. You wanted to see it so every evening of our 2-year stay there,you waited by the Loch Ness with the hope of catching a glimpse of her._

Please tell me who you are. I don't like riddles. Those "voices" turned out to be only one voice now, all keeping in sync and saying it together.

_Me wee boy, I want to see you smile again. I want to see ya happy again like ya wanted to. You got yer memories back didn't ya?_

Father?Is that you?

I heard nothing else. The taxi stopped as I realized we had reached our destination. "Danke" I said in German and gave him the fare price.

I ran down the street which I lived for three years. What exactly am I looking for? What am I even doing here? Why is this happening to me ?

I felt my phone vibrate and I took it out. The words were imprinted on the screen "Francis" . I answered the call.

"Where are you?!" Francis asked me immediately. "I'm sorry ,but I'm in Berlin now" I said quickly. "What?!" I could hear him curse in French. "Don't worry about me, I'm living with Gil aren't I? I tell Gil I won't be home until midnight probably" I said over the phone. "Oui oui, just...don't go too far, please?It's still a few days for me and it's hard to take it in an"I cut him off "Yes, I know 't worry I'll be back in Dresden" I hung up.

No I won't.

I'll be busy looking for that girl. The girl that looked a lot like her. Sounded like her. And acted like her.I want to know the truth.

_Arthur, she's in the cafe to your 'll come out in a minute_

I heard Father's voice again. If the dead says that, does that mean he could predict or foresee what will happen?

Father,if you could hear me, what's going to happen if I'll talk to her?Will I be let down again or will I finally understand what's going on?

I waited and waited for a reply.

Nothing.

I gave up and relied on my to his words, through my blurred vision and useless spectacles ( I took them off), I could clearly see her. With the same hairstyle and expression.

"Arthur?" I heard her say my name. I clenched my fist. It's now or never Arthur. Yell at her. Scream at her. Do it. Get rid of your regret worth of 17 years. Tell her how much you love her and still do and that it's okay if she loves another person and ignores you.

Get a grip Arthur.

"Arthur, I..I" she hugged me right after. What? I got confused. "Is it really you,Arthur?" I could hear her cry. Yes,it's me, Amelia. "I'm sorry for everything then..when we were kids and all" Are you really sorry? You don't need to say sorry can play with my feelings if you , you can pretend right?You're just pretending to cry, I know that. Don't do that anymore. It hurts me to see you cry even if it's just pretending.

"Arthur, I..I don't know why it took me so long, but I love , I hate Allen, I'm sorry for everything" don't lie to me. It's okay if you say you hate me and love Allen.

"Arthur, if there's anything, I nearly killed myself when I first heard you "died" in the plane crash...I was so scared and regretted everything" Amelia. I've had enough.

"That's enough" I told her. She gave me a look of confusion. "What do you mean by that,Arthur?" she asked me.

"It's okay if you hate me,pretending to love me. I'm fine with can go on and hurt me if you like, I don't mind, but I still love you after all these years. I'm fine with it" I gave her a look of pity. Why should I give her pity? She should give me sympathy.

She stared at me with confused expressions. "I..I..Arthur I don't mean by tha—" her voice trailed off as a truck passed by and hunk the horn at it was too late. I should've known that I could've waited for her in the cafe but I didn't.

All I see now was red. I guess,this is how we're going to meet after all and how our "reunion" will end.

Lord, do you really have nothing happy in store for me? But I guess I'll be happy if I see Father once more and watch over the others from above...

((A/N:Starting from this chapter, it won't be based on songs anymore. As you can see,my laziness made me write this thing in one go and fast-paced so now they met and it didn't go as expected. I'll chia you laksa if you actually know who got run over instead. Don't worry though,I got a good ending in store for them. Ciao!))


	8. Chapter 8

It was all white. Pure white. The doctors, nurses, walls , papers , beds , floors. You name it. Even his skin was pale as white. And I blame myself for it.

His usual messy hair was different than a few years back. Now, it's flat and kept neat. His usual smile faded into what has become an emotionless expression as the beeping sounds continued to be heard even from afar.

God, if only I could turn back in time, I would've slapped my younger self before she decided to push him away. Why must he be the victim of my choices?

"Miss Jones? Mister Kirkland's family is here to see him" I heard the nurses called out. I know, I'll get yelled at by his brother for killing him, for the second time. For taking him away. Why? Because my choice let him return to the UK without ever coming back. My choice decided to nearly kill him in an accident , after 3 years of separation.

Let them yell at me. Let them never allow me to see him ever again. Let them sue me. I don't care anymore, it's all my fault , isn't it?

"he's in a stable condition, but he's not waking up soon" I heard the nurse say. _He'll never wake up, it's all my fault._

I felt a cold touch on my shoulder and turned back on instinct. The woman behind me had the same eyes and the same shade of his hair color. The little boy next to her looked strikingly similar to him, except he had cyan blue eyes.

"Are you Amelia?" I nodded. Here comes the slap. I closed my eyes and prepared for the impact. Let it be. "Thank God, you're alive" I heard her sob. What? What did she mean? I just put your son in a coma! Why are you thanking God for letting me live and not waking up your own blood son?!

"E-excuse me?" I stuttered. Maybe I didn't hear right. " Thank the Lord, you're alive…you're alive" she took out a handkerchief and wiped her tears away. Arthur's younger brother took my seat and held Arthur's hand.

"What do you mean by that?! You should slap me! No, you should kill me! I nearly killed your son, TWICE! Why are you thanking the Lord for letting me live and not waking up your blood son?!" I shook her. She was stunned. But she calmed down soon after.

"Arth wouldn't want you to die, would he? That jerk would rather die than seeing you sad, or so his journals told me" his brother commented. He grinned, but it faded as he read through the report the nurse left on the drawer next to him.

"Whenever I had the chance to talk with this bitch—" he was cut off by his mother's "Language please, Peter" . "Fine. Whenever I had the chance to talk with Arth, he would always, and I mean to stress out the always, talk about you. Nothing about himself. I would talk to him through video chats, and his eyes were of longing. Big brother Scott would've remarked saying ' me wee bruther grew up fas'er 'han I 'hought' in his thick whatever-accent" he played around with Arthur's lifeless fingers.

"He showed me a trick. I would use that trick if everybody's angry at me. Maybe he's doing the exact same trick he taught me?" his voice trailed off, as so did his cries and sobs as he desperately played with his brother's bony fingers. "I'm not blaming you, it wasn't your fault, was it? He was never direct anyways" did he try to make a joke? Or was it his opinion that came along with a stream of cries and wails?

"B-but I… but I…but if it wasn't for me he would never end up here, would he? He would've never ended up in Berlin, forgetting the past 17 years of his life!" I yelled. "Shh, it's okay…There's no use in hating now is there? I know, for a fact, that you would want to go back in time and slap your younger self, don't you?" she chuckled. Wait, how did she know?

"Did my baby boy, besides Peter of course, told you the reason he wore glasses?" she smiled genuinely. I nodded in sync. "But I never understood what he told me though" I confessed. "It's alright. Nobody believes us, anyways. But I would like to tell you a story to make it simpler" her voice got clearer as she spoke.

"Once upon a time, though it could have been in the 15th century, but somewhere from 1300-1450's , there was a family, with the same name as us, Kirkland. They had a little boy, who bore a resemblance to Peter, but had the likes of Arthur. This little boy grew up with an older sister, who I was told by my grandmother, that she looked like a female Scott. They were happy.

"Every day, the little boy, let's call him James, had to do his share of chores. Their family was poor as no authoritative figure was present in their hometown despite the country of England had its kings and queens from the monarchy. He was happy to do it.

"One day, he went to fetch a pail of water from a well in the woods. The woods were far from his house that was made of wood and hay. It would take him an hour on foot to get to the well. So he went to the well , and lowered his pail. When he got pulled the rope that levered his pail, he was surprised to see a little fairy at the size of a thumb, maybe it'll help if I told you she looked like Thumbelina.

" he asked her 'are you a fairy?' and the fairy was surprised. 'How can you see me?' she asked. James didn't know how. 'Hold on, is this water?' she asked. He nodded. 'Oh,no wonder, water washes away the magic' . James could hear her Irish accent. Could it be that she was a Celtic fairy?

"Humans aren't suppose to see fairies but maybe I could let you off the hook. We'll never meet again , and you'll forget,okay?' she said. But she was too beautiful, that James didn't want to voice was bubbly and energetic, that the little boy didn't want to leave the place. But the fairy left and he went home. Day after day, he went to the well, saw the fairy and her friends. He admired her from afar.

"The fairy found out and went up to him 'why are spying on me?' . 'I was admiring your beauty' he told her. It was no lie. 'No! you're not to do that! You promised to forget everything!. He apologized but the fairy wouldn't budge. They may look weak,but if you break a promise, fairies will curse you for ever, and even your bloodline. 'Because you have broken your promise, you'll be cursed with the ability to see everything, fairies, goblins, trolls,everything!' she yelled.

"And it just so happens, that my ancestors suffered the same thing. So both of his father and I can see things nobody else can. And it shocks me that only Arthur out of my six children, can see them. I pity him. He never wanted to see them. It makes it worse that he resembled the little boy who made this happened. Would you believe me though?" she asked. I felt sad. "A bit" I lied, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. "Don't worry, I know you're not" she grinned.

"We'll be leaving.I'll leave it to you. Take care of him for me , would you?" I nodded. I had nothing else to do a matter of minutes, she and his brother left.

It was only me and Arthur in the sickeningly-white room.

"Hey Arthur, was I part of the curse?"

**OoOoO**

Days passed and nights too. He looked better than before. But he still hasn't woken up yet. I visit him, every moment I get. I didn't know why. It just felt right. Maybe it was God's punishment for me to come everyday to see him suffer so that I could be tortured by my choices? If so, then I'll accept it.

I was next to him, reading a book that I should've read years ago. I wasn't raised to be a fiction-loving girl, but I still played video games of that genre, but I've never gotten into books of that kind. But, I changed my mind. Years before, at Arthur's presumed funeral, a cousin of his, gave me his collection of Harry Potter. He told me , that Arthur gave it to him as he had no space left to put it in his house.

Long story short, I got into Harry potter more than a decade after. I'm miserable.

But then, I heard someone cough. "God!" Arthur? Arthur?! I stood up and ran towards his bed. Sure enough, he was coughing. His eyes were red, but open. "A-amelia?" he stared at me in confusion, still coughing. "Wait for me, I'll get the nurse!" _stupid! He always wait for you!_

"Wait, Amelia! I'm fine, you don't need to tell the nurse" I stopped. His cough got softer. "W-why are you here?" his face was red, either from embarrassment or blood just got to his head. " I'm involved remember? I got you into this and I'll be here to take care of you, idiot!" why did I have to call him an idiot?! Stupid,stupid,stupid!

"Oh yeah, sorry…" his voice trailed off. "What are you sorry for? You did nothing wrong as far as I'm concerned" . "That you have to do this for me and all…I just burdened you again didn't I?" he grinned, forgivingly. "What do you mean by that? I burdened you! For the past 10 years! God fucking dammit! I should be sorry! Not you! It's all my fault! If I didn't run away when you kissed me, none of this would've happen! If I didn't walk out of the café and stopped you, I wouldn't get you involve in the accident! Why are you sorry?I should be sorry… I'm so sorry…for everything" shit, I'm crying,aren't I?

Let it be.

Humiliate myself in front of him. Let him see me in a vulnerable state.

"Don't cry, Amie" his forehead came into contact with mine. His fingers swept away the tears of my watery eyes. "It's not your fault. I was a wuss anyways" he joked. "But you nearly died. Twice!" he ruffled my hair. "Everybody dies" I heard him muttered.

"I'm sorry. For everything. For teasing your glasses. For teasing your athletic record. For making fun of how nerdy you were, for isolating you, for avoiding you, for abandoning you,for not having a single idea that my so-called friends were bullying you,and also for even liking Allen! I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking stupid" I admitted.

"Sh, I know," his voice was so soft but angelic. Please, don't leave me if that is a sign that you're going to die.

"How would you know?" I sobbed. "My mother told you the story of a little boy named James Kirkland didn't she? As ridiculous as it sounds, I was in a dream world. Where the fairies connect me with this world. I'm sorry if that sounds stupid though, you probably won't believe me" he laughed.

"I believe you" this time, I genuinely did.

"Then ,that's great" Lord,why didn't I realize my feelings for him earlier, that smile could make my day.

"I can't wait to get out of this place and go back home" he shook his head. "Home,as in?" I was curious. "England of course, to be specific, Yorkshire" he pointed out the window. "So you're really not going back to the States,ever?" I was still curious. "I know, I know, whatever I said back then, 3 years you weren't planning to go back to the States except for business too,won't you? Since Matt changed your citizenship to Canadian and all," he hummed a tune, possible Carry on My Wayward Son.

"How did you know?" so I was shocked. Who wouldn't? "I thought you believed me when I said fairies, I'm disappointed in you,tsk,tsk" he clicked his tongue in a jokingly manner. "Yeah yeah, but are we okay now?" I stared at him. "Okay?As in?" he stared at me back.

"I mean… all this conflict and all…" he swirled my index fingers around each other. "Of course! You think I have grudges against you? Besides, I know you like me" he winked. Was he really sick or did he joke about being in coma. "And I believe it's the fairies?" I chuckled, but he shook his head. "Your brother told me" he looked at me in disbelief."When did he come here?" I wanted to know.

"Two nights ago, when you were working part-time at some café. I was awake for a short time, and he was there by chance, so he took the opportunity and all. But then I fell asleep and didn't wake up to this day" he scratched the back of his head,teasingly.

"So we're even now?" he nodded.

"Yes, and forever will be" the both of us smiled.

((A/N: Cliffhanger,yes? I love doing cliffhangers. Anyways, this is the final chapter. Sorry for the loooooooooooooooong hiatus. I got busy with a con called Kyan!me in town and homework and stuff. And I was lazy too. So here you go, you can flame me all you want about the cliffhanger and how terrible this was, because I won't be doing this anymore~))


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